Instead of guessing about quantity and quality, let’s look at our presence—being with our children. Sadly, we can take them to Disney and not be present. Even bedtime routines can be so “routine” that parents are not emotionally present. We can be in our children’s environment—proximity—but not be present. “Yea honey…just give daddy a few mooorrr minutes, I only have a few more chapters until I’m finished the book!” This father is in the room with his child and not fully present. In this article, we would like to address why it is important and present some ideas on being more emotionally present.

1. Why it is so important:

First, we need to review how our brain works. Simply put, a brain has two parts: the thinking brain (cognitive) and the emotional brain (limbic). Our cognitive brain thinks and works to manage life. The limbic brain (emotional part) reacts to the environment (sensory input) and memories to produce the emotions that flavor everything we do and feel. The ability to remain in the cognitive (thinking part) of the brain while the emotional part of the brain is trying to take control is our Window of Tolerance. Everyone has a different size window. To start with, circumstances of all types serve to constantly influence the size of our window. We’ve all been too tired or sick or hungry to think clearly. Along with that, we’ve all been so mad or sad or afraid to interact productively with the people around us. When a person experiences more stress than the brain is equipped to handle, the limbic brain closes our window and influences our behavior. That limbic brain has four methods to manage stress: fight, flight, freeze or fold. Each one is designed to make the trigger go away. PLEASE NOTE, DURING THIS TIME OF LIMBIC BRAIN WINDOW CLOSING, PARENTING IS IMPAIRED.

All parenting requires a high degree of emotional availability or an open window to be present. Parents must be emotionally regulated—managing one’s emotions. This allows a parent to be in the thinking brain and emotionally present. The parent is, then, able to tolerate a child struggling to swing alone, climb the slide wildly without thought of falling, negotiate skinned knees, stolen toys, or attacking words from other children on the playground. This regulated parent can be the child’s cheerleader or coach. A dysregulated parent cannot tolerate the challenges the child experiences and will use one or more of the emotional responses: 1. Fight—promoting arguments and hitting, 2. Flight—leave the playground. 3. Freeze—unable to assist their child and minimize the problems, 4. Fold—label the park as bad and avoid it again.

Additionally, a parent must be emotionally present to enjoy “being with” the child. Being with is more important than parents realize or they would be more intentional. Imagine going on a date and the other person is texting others. You would feel alone and unappreciated. This is particularly problematic because children are dependent on parents to establish their sense of self-worth. Electronics are not the only villain that steals a parent’s attention. We may be ruminating about work issues, arguing with extended family, focused on cleaning or chores, caught up in a book or project we feel pressured to finish.

Even exhaustion can interrupt the parent/child relationship. This exhaustion can lead to emotional responses, prompting avoidance or participating with an overly critical attitude. When the overwhelming emotions closes the “window of tolerance,” a parent may even verbally attack their child who expresses interest in being together. Memories are created—negative memories, ones that disrupt the relationship and ones that create a child’s negative internal belief system.

During every little parent/child interaction, a child receives messages that convey worth, value, and importance. Children are hardwired to pay attention to these parental messages. Too many children are told to go play, or are ignored, or plugged into screens instead of spending time with parents. The other side of the coin is that some parents may be okay with the child using electronics as a means of validation from outside sources. “That’s just the way children are these days,” “I can’t drag him away from his screens.” “He’s not interested in what I have to say.” and “At least, she’s quiet for a few minutes.” become the dismissive excuse. Thus, parents are relieved from conflictual conversations, activities they are less interested in, and avoid teaching daily life skills. Most notably, parents are failing to teach their children how to regulate strong emotions.

2. Ideas on being emotionally present

To be emotionally present with your child, a parent must set boundaries in their own brain so they limit outside ideas, thoughts, and pressures from interfering. This is about being intentional in prioritizing your child above all else.

1. Self-care—watch for HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and take action to resolve the problem and help one feel happy. Develop and use a large list of activities that promote joy in your life. Model the principle for your children.

2. Allow yourself to enjoy seeing your child being happy

3. Tag team, create and use a support system, include emotionally regulated grandparents and friends

To enhance the experience

1. Plan family fun night, talk about the upcoming activities

2. Take photos and reflect on the family’s relationships and activities (digital picture frames, create scrapbooks, share with other family members, neighbors, etc)

3. Keep a log of activities, have intentional goals (5 minutes of having fun 3x a day)

How do you enjoy your children? Share your ideas with other parents.

Would your children say they are enjoyed by you? Share your ideas with us and we will share with others.

Use these groupings (tags) to help you find relevant content:

1. Trauma Lens Paradigm Shift: No one will be successful without adapting how you perceive the child, the behaviors, the motivations, and beliefs. Changing our paradigm requires information, examples, and research. Without it, our view of the child and behaviors will be based on our interpretations, beliefs, and emotions.

2. Trauma Disrupted Competences: Because of our experiences, we were driven to understand where the behaviors were coming from. Often, the behaviors did not make sense. Why would a ____year old child, do____? Shouldn’t he have learned by now? Through years of experiences and research, we identified six categories of where behaviors originated. Alphabetically, they are Developmental Delays, Emotional Responses, Negative Internal Working Model, Object Relations, Self-regulation, and Sensory Processing.

3. Elements: From training in different treatment modalities, we extracted four interventions to use when interacting with our children. We begin 1. all of us have many parts, 2. under anger is fear, 3. narration gives our children another view of the world, and 4. matching affect allows us to co-regulate with our child.

4. Principles: While working in our in-home treatment programs, Jeff noted that each family shared similarities. We identified seven principles evident in each family and use these principles to help “right” the course for families. 1. Brains prioritize fear 2. Limbic brains harmonize 3. Parents must emotionally self-regulate 4. Parents must project the positive 5. Parents define 6. Children learn what works 7. Children must be enjoyed.

5. Team Work: Parenting traumatized children is difficult. Parenting without a support system is even harder. This section guides parents in establishing a team and how to participate in meetings. Uneducated (in early trauma) team member can be the downfall to success. Equip your team members with information.

6. Parenting: Foster and adoptive parents face unusual struggles. They may be parenting more than one traumatized child, they may be fostering children who will eventually leave the home, they may be struggling with agency issues. We address these issues.

7. Environment: Before a paradigm shift, parents may establish an environment they perceive the child needs. Later, that environment becomes a detriment to healing. Learn how to adapt your home to meet the needs of the entire family.

8. Additional stressors: Vacations, summertime, holidays, etc increase stress in a healthy family. Add a traumatized child to the mix and the stress may seem unmanageable. Before these occur, learn new ways to prepare for the events.

Who we are

Faye is a birth mom of three and an adoptive mom. After finishing graduate school, she worked as an outpatient therapist. Jeff is a father of two. After a career in retail management, Jeff returned to school and completed his degree at Lancaster Bible College. He and Faye developed two intensive, specialized in-home programs and are outpatient therapists.

Both Faye and Jeff are trained in and use various treatment modalities including Theraplay, Circle of Security, DDP, EMDR, Love and Logic, Internal Family Systems, and Gottman’s marriage model. Their book, Healing Traumatized Children, was published in 2015 in collaboration with Dr. J. Biever. Peace for Parents of Traumatized Children devotional was published in 2021.

What we do

Jeff and Faye have been training parents and professionals since 2002 in ways to address early trauma-whether means of treatment or parenting. The length and topic vary per agency or parenting’s needs.

Where we work

Jeff and Faye enjoy training and have traveled across the US guiding parents and professionals in understanding and implementing strategies in early trauma.

Why we do what we do

Faye has worked with other foster and adoptive parents since 1994 and witnessed their struggles and often failures. She is driven to be supportive and help them become the change agents for their children and the service industry. Jeff has worked in the mental health field for more than 25 years-specifically with children who experienced early trauma. His understanding and empathy for the parents’ difficulties spurred him into taking action.

When parents begin taking foster care classes, friends and family may say that the child "will thank them for what they are doing," 'love living in the family home," or "appreciate having siblings (or being an only child).” so many nice platitudes that end up conflicting with our experiences. Even naive professionals have told parents to “just love the child.”

In reality, we can’t expect or force a child to appreciate, enjoy, or love the new family. They lost their family, their genetic ties to history, the people who should love them. Then, we expect them to walk away without deep emotional distress? Research identifies that even if the child is abused and neglected, the longing to be with family is still present.

Invite the child to join you, don’t force, bribe, or shame, just invite him or her to share you life.

© 2025, Hall & Merkert. All rights reserved.

Learn the six steps to manage emotions. Use these to model and teach the same skills to your children.

Download the PDF to start.

© 2025, Faye Hall. All rights reserved.

Teens are often aware their peers have mental health problems before the adults. Adults may minimize, ignore, or deny their teens are unable to manage the stressors of life. We hear about it on the new, watch the it on social media, and have apps that update us frequently to the world wide stress. Our teens are in the midst of societies facing unprecedented, troublesome times. Both our physical health and mental health are endangered.

A recent Christian counselor publication focused on teens and the mental health crisis. These are the problems they identified:

1. Relationships

   1. Shattered relationships with peers, (teens learn to hide behind avatars, photo shopped pictures, dangerous behaviors, etc) Relationships built on finding personal benefits, are self-serving, and performance driven

   • Fear of parent’s not hearing or validating child’s distress, child is left alone to manage.

2. Environments that teach for tests, reduced focus higher-level thinking skills, and less inclination for reflection

   1. Inability to resolve conflict and work through and reconcile contradictions and pain.

   1. Lack of ability to analyze and identify cause and effect.

   1. Superficial approach to ever-expanding volume of knowledge

   1. Negative impact on consciousness, cognitive and affective functions, activity, verbal and nonverbal communication, conceptual structure of the world and self-reflection

   1. Hinders depth, nuance and resolution of challenges.

3. Dangerous combination of teens’ relationships built on performance (looks, fashion, etc.), teens’ lack of emotional regulation skills, lack of higher-level thinking skills and less reflection–

   1. Brains become wired to seek dopamine (reward system) that override wise decision making (looking for relief from pain)

   1. Time spent on social media is isolating and depressive (avoidance of pain)

We have these problems highlighted by the AACC and those listed in the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. In 1998, the Adverse Childhood Experiences study was published. It’s a list of 10 questions labeling adversities that one may experience before 18. (things like a parent or adult in the household swearing, insulting, humiliating, or putting you down). The study was used to correlate the adversities to 9 major causes of death. Unfortunately, the study is used to justify courses of action, and variety of programs, projects, and treatments. The study has some flaws—did not include a wide demographic population, has become confused with causation-not the intended correlation, nor did it identify protective factors that may mitigate the adverse experiences.

I want to identify how we as parents can mitigate the problems noted by AACC and those in the ACE. Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion Coaching (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-parenting-styles/).

Parental interventions:

1. Our presence (times of conversations, comfort) ACCEPTING

   1. Devoid of expectations in the moment of being present. This doesn’t invalidate our expectations of their responsibilities and actions. We are still parents who have the responsibility to train and define our children. How we define them is important and does not include attacking their sense of self, pushing a need for perfection—higher grades, better looks, etc.

   1. Attuned, safe, seeing the emotional needs, soothing amid difficulties.

   1. Nurturing without judgement. Exudes welcome, belonging (which is a powerful gift), love them as they are.

   1. Accepting their reality (not needing to agree with it), Be willing to see the world through their eyes (together with them).

   • Giving the gift of time, energy, the ability to discuss their concerns (feelings, friends, faith, mental health–physical, too).

2. Our conversation PLAYFUL, EMPATHIC, CURIOUS

   1. Bridge building to help them process a topic or issue, stay with the process, ask questions, be open, and use the relationship to resolution. Process is not the result.Introduce conversations, understand viewpoints, pain,Educate on mental health.Teach and model for child and teens skills to see life clearly, manage their feelings, make healthy decisions.Teach and model the ability to accept being bored, frustrated, lonely, sad, afraid, anxious, and stressed—while helping them understand how to bring God and healthy coping skills into that space. This will help them divert Satan’s quick fixes that only provide momentary relief.

   1. Teach and model how to live in the moment—not online.

To accomplish the parent expectations

1. Model and use emotional regulation skills.

2. Model and use self-care skills.

3. Interact using PACE. (Playful, accepting, curious, and empathic, Baylin & Hughes, Brain Based Parenting, 2012)

4. Model and use reflection.

5. Promote higher level thinking skills via curiosity, questions, self-reflection.

6. Promote exploration, failure is accepted if not celebrated with reflection and problem solving—learning opportunity.

© 2025, Faye Hall. All rights reserved.

Children with histories of early trauma usually have a negative working internal working model—in short, they have learned and now believe they lack value, can not trust adults, and the world is unsafe. If a person has no value and cannot trust the adults offering rewards and consequences, the child is likely to not invest time or effort into changing his or her behavior…

Our children with histories of early trauma lived in unsafe environments, were part of unsafe family systems or were in relationships with unsafe people. Their emotional and physiological systems are wired to determine if they are safe—the least little thing may trigger the feeling of being unsafe—fear. Knowing our children are always scanning the environment for safety, we can understand more of what they need.