Parenting from a unique position 2

Part 2:

Ways we maximum the power of our unique position

  1. We ensure our responses to the behaviors, opportunities, stressors, etc. reflect the Trauma Lens Paradigm Shift (refer to the website for more videos and content on the Trauma Lens Paradigm shift)
    1. PACE
      1. Baylin, J. & Hughes, D. (2016). The Neurobiology of Attachment Focused Therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
        1. Playful-keep attitude and responses light and that you enjoy the child.
        2. Accepting-accept the child where he or she is at any given moment, don’t define the child from where he or she is in that moment
        3. Curious-keep an attitude of not knowing
        4. Empathic-see the circumstance through the Trauma Lens
      2. These are designed to keep the child from an emotional response and engaged in the present topic, reduces shame, projects the idea “I want to get to know more about you.” 
    2. Narrations and actions must reflect Trauma Lens (link the behavior to their trauma, deep understanding of the “whys”)
      1. We are the source of explanation and definition for the child’s life. Our explanations (narrations) must incorporate an understanding of how the child was hurt, that it can be fixed, and we are here to help.
      2. Our actions must be linked to our desire to help heal the hurt part. (This can be radically different from actions designed to make behaviors stop.
    3. Utilize Elements’ language (refer to the Elements’ videos and postings)
      1. Parts-no single action by a child can define the child, it only reflects a part of that child. We have parts of ourselves we strive to curb.
      2. Fear underlies anger and is the source of poor behavior-the child’s hurt part causes difficulty recognizing fear, thus an inability to process fear=poor behavior.
      3. Narration
        1. Positive-intentionally shifting one’s brain by focusing and verbalizing the positives in one’s life
        2. General-verbalizing one’s thought processing by describing the world, other’s intentions/actions/beliefs, etc.
      4. Matching affect-we connect empathically to the child’s emotion, help them feel that we feel the same thing (fear), then we invite them to practice the skills we find useful to get ourselves out of our fear states (shift our brains)  
    4. Support the child’s positive sense of self
      1. Identify the child’s hurt part, just a part, not them
      2. Enjoy them-deliberately seek and create moments where we can project our enjoyment of the child, also times when we can laugh with, have fun with, and share the joy of parenting the child.
      3. Highlight the positive parts, their joys, preferable to their fears. The children are locked in an internal struggle between their scared parts and the parts that want to have fun. Our job is to help them notice the struggle and the preferability of the latter over the former.
      4. RED FLAGS: if you catch yourself say: you are just like your parents, you aren’t good at math, etc. You are defining the child in negative ways.

© 2022, Jeff and Faye. All rights reserved.

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