BEING IN PROXIMITY & EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE
For years, society has debated what is important, is it the quality or quantity of parents’ time with their children? Parents continually ask how much is enough time? How do you clarify quality time? Are trips to Disney World quality? How about the simple visit to the local library? Quantity or quality? Watching your child on the playground? Nighttime routines? Determining the quantity of time is beyond the scope of this article. Although, we believe quantity without quality is worthless. In this writing, we would like to suggest how to define quality time.
Instead of guessing about quantity and quality, let’s look at our presence—being with our children. Sadly, we can take them to Disney and not be present. Even bedtime routines can be so “routine” that parents are not emotionally present. We can be in our children’s environment—proximity—but not be present. “Yea honey…just give daddy a few mooorrr minutes, I only have a few more chapters until I’m finished the book!” This father is in the room with his child and not fully present. In this article, we would like to address why it is important and present some ideas on being more emotionally present.
1. Why it is so important:
First, we need to review how our brain works. Simply put, a brain has two parts: the thinking brain (cognitive) and the emotional brain (limbic). Our cognitive brain thinks and works to manage life. The limbic brain (emotional part) reacts to the environment (sensory input) and memories to produce the emotions that flavor everything we do and feel. The ability to remain in the cognitive (thinking part) of the brain while the emotional part of the brain is trying to take control is our Window of Tolerance. Everyone has a different size window. To start with, circumstances of all types serve to constantly influence the size of our window. We’ve all been too tired or sick or hungry to think clearly. Along with that, we’ve all been so mad or sad or afraid to interact productively with the people around us. When a person experiences more stress than the brain is equipped to handle, the limbic brain closes our window and influences our behavior. That limbic brain has four methods to manage stress: fight, flight, freeze or fold. Each one is designed to make the trigger go away. PLEASE NOTE, DURING THIS TIME OF LIMBIC BRAIN WINDOW CLOSING, PARENTING IS IMPAIRED.
All parenting requires a high degree of emotional availability or an open window to be present. Parents must be emotionally regulated—managing one’s emotions. This allows a parent to be in the thinking brain and emotionally present. The parent is, then, able to tolerate a child struggling to swing alone, climb the slide wildly without thought of falling, negotiate skinned knees, stolen toys, or attacking words from other children on the playground. This regulated parent can be the child’s cheerleader or coach. A dysregulated parent cannot tolerate the challenges the child experiences and will use one or more of the emotional responses: 1. Fight—promoting arguments and hitting, 2. Flight—leave the playground. 3. Freeze—unable to assist their child and minimize the problems, 4. Fold—label the park as bad and avoid it again.
Additionally, a parent must be emotionally present to enjoy “being with” the child. Being with is more important than parents realize or they would be more intentional. Imagine going on a date and the other person is texting others. You would feel alone and unappreciated. This is particularly problematic because children are dependent on parents to establish their sense of self-worth. Electronics are not the only villain that steals a parent’s attention. We may be ruminating about work issues, arguing with extended family, focused on cleaning or chores, caught up in a book or project we feel pressured to finish.
Even exhaustion can interrupt the parent/child relationship. This exhaustion can lead to emotional responses, prompting avoidance or participating with an overly critical attitude. When the overwhelming emotions closes the “window of tolerance,” a parent may even verbally attack their child who expresses interest in being together. Memories are created—negative memories, ones that disrupt the relationship and ones that create a child’s negative internal belief system.
During every little parent/child interaction, a child receives messages that convey worth, value, and importance. Children are hardwired to pay attention to these parental messages. Too many children are told to go play, or are ignored, or plugged into screens instead of spending time with parents. The other side of the coin is that some parents may be okay with the child using electronics as a means of validation from outside sources. “That’s just the way children are these days,” “I can’t drag him away from his screens.” “He’s not interested in what I have to say.” and “At least, she’s quiet for a few minutes.” become the dismissive excuse. Thus, parents are relieved from conflictual conversations, activities they are less interested in, and avoid teaching daily life skills. Most notably, parents are failing to teach their children how to regulate strong emotions.
2. Ideas on being emotionally present
To be emotionally present with your child, a parent must set boundaries in their own brain so they limit outside ideas, thoughts, and pressures from interfering. This is about being intentional in prioritizing your child above all else.
1. Self-care—watch for HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and take action to resolve the problem and help one feel happy. Develop and use a large list of activities that promote joy in your life. Model the principle for your children.
2. Allow yourself to enjoy seeing your child being happy
3. Tag team, create and use a support system, include emotionally regulated grandparents and friends
To enhance the experience
1. Plan family fun night, talk about the upcoming activities
2. Take photos and reflect on the family’s relationships and activities (digital picture frames, create scrapbooks, share with other family members, neighbors, etc)
3. Keep a log of activities, have intentional goals (5 minutes of having fun 3x a day)
How do you enjoy your children? Share your ideas with other parents.