Fears triggered during spring

Introduction

In our Mid-Atlantic region as we think of spring, we envision new life; more sunlight, flowers breaking through the cold earth, birds returning to the area, time to get outdoors, spring break, and watching our teens prepare for their proms. It just seems easier to be happier at the onset of spring and the departure from the cold, dark winter, than it is to envision spring as a fearful time of change and uncertainty. How could warmer weather, greener grass, and longer days be problematic?

Over the years, we have noticed that the majority of parents trying to help their children heal from early trauma do seem to dread winter more than spring. However, it is worth repeating that even a good thing can cause fear for a traumatized mind. The first recommendation we always have for parents looking to provide that healing home is to contemplate their children’s stressors. Then, get out in front of those fears, identifying and discussing them before they happen. As we all know, even when we think we have it all figured out, our children will surprise us—so, be prepared for the unknown. To do this, we need to have some idea of what those fears might be. This list of stressors is derived from our twenty plus years of observations and experiences.

Possible stressors that may cause your child to feel afraid:

Time change: Human biology is affected by the spring forward (in time). Our circadian rhythm (body’s internal clock) must change and adapt to the external clock. It’s natural to be more irritated until your body adjusts to the differences in time and quality of sleep. Children are not likely, on their own, to recognize the changes in these rhythms. Evening and morning routines which are typically problematic for traumatized children can suddenly become even more challenging. This stressor is not unique to the children. It serves us well to remember that as we attempt to help them with their fear, our brains will be struggling with the same problems.

More sunlight: With longer daylight hours and more sunlight in the evenings, our routines will be affected. Children may reject the idea of doing homework or getting ready for bed while it is light outside. The normal structure may feel like a loss of playtime because it’s warmer and lighter outside.

Being outside: Our outside activities change with the arrival of spring. We find more opportunities to be active in nature. Playful pursuits like riding bikes, hiking, and ball games become more common. With traumatized children, this means fear of having the right equipment, adequate skills, and friends to join in the fun. Their Negative Internal Working Model (NIWM) may even assume that we, as parents, will not allow enough time for these activities, or purchase the equipment, or allow their “friends” to play with them.

Being outside is not just a stressor for children. While parents may be happy their children are playing outside (presumably occupied in a healthy activity), many parents worry about what their children may be saying or doing, during increased periods out of their direct field of perception. They may excessively question their children and other’s safety. Parents might restrict the activities to help with their own fears. With the increased freedom away from parents and less supervision, it’s important for parents to talk about their fears and negotiate ways for the children to prove or disprove their ability to handle what is essentially extra trust.

Chores and yard work: As family life begins to move from inside to outside, we naturally look at what needs to be done in our outdoor world. Cleaning up winter deadfall of limbs and twigs, preparing gardens, checking lawn equipment, and scrubbing outdoor furniture are part of the seasonal tasks to ready our yards for activities. Let’s contrast this to our children’s perceptions. Since traumatized children struggle with trusting the caregiver (NIWM), they often have two misperceptions. 1. We are JUST making more work for them. 2. Because of the fact that part of their trauma stems from a time when their wants and needs should have been primary in their parents’ life, but were not. Those extra chores are often perceived as our wants taking precedence over theirs.

Spring sports: As winter moves into spring, a whole new set of organized sports become available to our children. Along with the desire to participate in these activities, the traumatized brain also presents a daunting array of fears: Will I be good enough? Will others want to play with me? How will my inevitable mistakes be handled by my peers and coaches? Can I depend on parental support for attendance and equipment? These fears are not always recognized. They may not even be based in reality.

Often times, the build-up of these fears can cause what almost appears to be self-sabotaging behaviors. Time schedules aren’t respected or kept. Failure to make paperwork deadlines or required meetings and appointments are common. Over reactions to errors from themselves and peers can become challenging to relationships. Equipment may be lost or damaged. Other children who simply dismiss the desire to join an activity (in a mindless attempt to avoid the associated fears) will often wind-up more irritated because they are now not getting what they wanted (to play the sport).

Clothing: As temperatures warm, clothing changes. For most of us it is a simple decision to reach for a tee shirt instead of a sweater, but for a child who perpetually feels like an outsider trying to masquerade as an insider it can be fraught with fears. Can I count on you (parent) to buy me what I need and what I want? Am I safe to share my wants with you (parent)? How will my peers perceive me? Will this get me laughed at? Does it make me look homeless? For many the battle over how much skin to show needs to be fought all over again. For children with a sexual abuse history, “showing skin” may become a real battle. Their normal may be very far from our standard family values. Answering these questions often leads to completely ignoring the lingering cold of winter. We should not be surprised at the control battles that occur. Our decisions are based on an evaluation of the environment and our standards while their decisions are being made limbically to avoid fears. This combination is ripe for conflict: preparing to go outside, mud, more skin, rain-storms, surprised snowstorm, Easter (baskets, clothing, church activities-sunrise services,

School: As the third quarter of the school year winds to a close, parent/teacher conferences, graduation/promotion requirements, and accumulated grade-point averages demand our attention. These can become problems for a child who has been chronically avoiding academic requirements for the previous three quarters. Children can fear their failures being spotlighted. They can fear the loss of effectiveness in their delay strategies. Faced with a hard timeline for grades and projects, they may feel unable to complete the work needed.

With these fears, it is not unusual for children to miscommunicate appointment times, not bring paperwork home, blame others, or become excessively irritable when such subjects are brought up. Changes like moving out of a classroom or grade, or even changing schools can be very fear inducing. For seniors, the fear of not being ready for what is coming next can be overwhelming.

Final thoughts

In all the difficulties highlighted in this newsletter, we must remember our children may not even recognize these feelings. As parents, it is our job to label the behaviors we are observing then link them to the fears. This linking begins the process of helping them adjust their behaviors and adequately manage their fears. We, as adults have numerous ways to recognize and manage our own fears. By modeling and narration, we can convey them to our children. Ultimately, we must initiate the discussion required for successful fear processing. We may not be able to resolve (make the trigger go away) the children’s bedtime, playtime, clothing, sports, or academic problems. Once outside of infancy, it becomes the goal of all humans to maintain function in the presence of fears. Our children may not be promoted, graduate, or may receive less than acceptable grades. They may have to endure uncomfortable bedtimes, loss of playtime, and peer pressure. Our goal as parents cannot be to change any of these conditions. We are the ones responsible for teaching them how to feel the fear about these circumstances and still maintain function in everyday life.

For parents unfamiliar with our Elements and Trauma Disrupted Competencies, we offer videos and articles to explain each in more detail. With a subscription to our website, all of these (and much more) are accessible. One of the strengths of our TDC approach is the wide variety of interventions available for most problematic behaviors. This chart is just a narrative beginning. Enjoy the journey!

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